So I’ve been a tad quiet over the last
couple of three weeks, so firstly I’d like to apologise about that. It’s been really hectic. My little boy has had a cough for the last month and at the beginning of last week it started getting a lot worse and he was most definitely not himself. By Wednesday he was so poorly I decided to take him back to the doctors and get him checked over again. Turns out his throat and in his ear were really red and inflamed so the Dr prescribed antibiotics. He finished his last dose on Tuesday and he is back to his normally happy, chatty self – much to our delight!
I’ve also been continuing on with CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I’ve been doing well but the last
few days week I have done a lot (and I mean a LOT) of thinking. I’m not overly sure it’s helping all that much. I mean, it’s certainly helped me understand a bit more about how our minds work and why I get panic attacks so frequently. But I’m finding it a lot of work. And I feel like I have to get it ‘right’, even though there is no right answer. And this is causing me to feel anxious and panicky. Basically it’s like a vicious circle. And on top of that I end up feeling really ridiculous and stupid for feeling the way I do about certain situations.
I have been doing some thinking though. I think I have figured out the main 2 situations which trigger bouts of anxiety and panic attacks. One is work. I find myself panicking about whether I’m doing everything right, whether I’m liked, whether I’m cut out for the role. Luckily I have some amazing co-workers that I can ask for help and guidance. Another trigger is family. I’ve recently been feeling completely out of the loop, second best. I’m fully aware that I have a family of my own now – and I love that little family that I can mine. But I do miss being a part of my other family. The family that brought me into the world and raised me. And to be honest this is probably the big one. The one that makes me feel anxious and low most of the time. I have spoken to them about how I’m feeling but I feel like I get shut down, and told that it’s ridiculous that I’m feeling this way (I know this, it doesn’t help being told though). I love my parents and I love my sister, but I often feel left out, pushed away. Like they don’t want me around. My mum keeps telling me that she’s there if I need someone to talk to, but the last time I decided to open up, I was shut down and told that I was being ridiculous. Maybe I was, maybe I am. But the thing about anxiety and depression is that in the moment, when you’re feeling what you’re feeling, it’s perfectly logical. And being told otherwise doesn’t help. I don’t want this post to come across as me being ungrateful because I’m not. I am actually extremely grateful for everything my mum and dad have done for me, especially since my son was born. But sometimes I think they forget that I still need them as much as my sister needs them and as much as Alex needs me.
I think, with Tim’s help, I’ll be able to get past all this. And for now, I need to be spending much more time with my little family, just the three of us. Doing things we love and seeing our friends more often. I’ve shut myself off from everyone else for so long, it’s time I got back outside instead of locking myself away.
Let’s end this post on a positive note shall we? Last week I entered a Twitter giveaway for 2 tickets to the BBC Good Food Show in Birmingham this weekend – and I won (thanks Hayley)! So me, Tim and our little boy will be heading there on Sunday and I could not be more excited!
Who else is going?